Recent Quips from Late Night

 

"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno

"Are you folks excited about the 2008 presidential campaign? ... Hillary Clinton says that if she's elected, she will name her husband Bill Clinton a roving ambassador to the world. ... Hmmm. Let me think about this. Bill Clinton traveling around the world without his wife? No, I can't see anything going wrong there." --David Letterman

"Earlier today, President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, 'Great, I love Pokemon.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some other world class entertainers gathered this weekend for a good cause at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner. This is where politicians cut loose and make fun of each other and themselves. Last year Stephen Colbert was the headliner, but he was a little bit too funny for their liking I guess, because this year, they went a slightly safer route. They exhumed Rich Little to be the MC. ... Now, when we finally need Dick Cheney to shoot an old man, he's nowhere to be found." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in town. ... He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue. It's part of his program 'No Cash Left Behind'" --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton announced he'll be flying to Russia to attend the funeral of former president of Russia Boris Yeltsin. At least, that's what he's telling Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"Sheryl Crow was at the dinner to raise awareness of global warming, and she has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper when they go to the bathroom. ... So in other words, don't ever shake Sheryl Crow's hand" --Jimmy Kimmel